Can the way we ask questions simply bring us closer to each other? New research in psychology suggests that it can. Deep, meaningful questions not only help us connect with strangers, but they can also significantly strengthen relationships between parents and children.
In 2024, a team of psychologists from the University of Amsterdam tested a simple but significant idea: would children feel more loved if their parents asked them a few carefully selected questions? The results were surprising. After just nine minutes of conversation, children aged 8–13 reported feeling more loved and supported by their parents.
The experiment was based on a method known in psychology as the “fast-friends procedure,” which has been used previously with adults to create closeness between strangers. The main idea is self-discovery: sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences through questions that go beyond superficial conversation.
Instead of common questions like "What is your favorite movie?", parents in the study were instructed to ask their children more reflective questions, such as:
• “If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?”
• “What is the strangest experience you have ever had?”
• “When was the last time you felt alone and what caused that feeling?”
According to researcher Eddie Brummelman, these conversations were often very emotional. “They gave me chills. They were really meaningful,” he says. Many families touched on topics they hadn’t talked about before, like fear, loneliness, and even death — topics that are usually avoided, especially when talking to children.
Studies show that these conversations work because they activate biological mechanisms in the brain, specifically the natural opioid system, which is associated with feelings of pleasure, closeness, and social connection. When we share personal things and feel heard, our brains “reward” this connection with positive feelings.
The effects of this method are not limited to within the family. It has also been successfully tested among online students, reducing dropout rates, as well as among people from different social groups, helping to reduce prejudice and increase understanding.
The researchers' main message is clear: we often hold back more than we should, fearing that the other person isn't interested. In reality, people usually value honesty and emotional openness more than we think.
For parents, this means that building a stronger relationship with their children doesn't require a lot of time or grand gestures, but the courage to ask the right questions—and a willingness to listen carefully and honestly. Ultimately, these small conversations can be the foundation of strong connections that last a lifetime.
